The Fruitful Search

Sleeves up ladies and gents, time to summon your bravest face, your unabashed belief that love still makes the world go round, and tie on your best walking shoes to keep. moving. forward. Congratulations, you’re on the fruitful search. The search for love; for meaning; for purpose. It’s going to feel like it’s “less”, not “full” sometimes.  There’s going to be bullshit and heartache and confusion. But there will also be grace, connection, and growth sitting patiently just waiting to be found.

You don’t have to do anything special for this to be true. You just have to be you.


The more I grasp, the less I can touch what’s real. The more I give thanks for, the more I can soothe what’s scared and the clearer I see what is. It’s funny how that works. This year, my 29th, has been a test of faith. Has yours been too? Well, join the club!

I’ve gotten tripped up, fallen down, made moves, revisited old wounds, learned to bounce back (again, and again, and again) each time, feeling a little closer to where I’m aiming to go.

The truth is, as long as you’re reading this and are breathing and alive and waking up each day, there are thousands of things that have gone right – way more than could have possibly gone wrong. Which brings me to the title of this little post. What I’ve learned in the past few months that I want to share with you is:

The search is always fruitful if you look at it through the lens of gratitude.

So much gained; so much that is good, right here, right now if you look closely.

Yes, losses too. But experiences are the fruit of all that hard work. And no one ever promised they’d all be peachy.

So, have you known grief? Have you ever fallen to your knees in reverence? Did you fall in love with the wrong one? Have you been moved to leap? Have you been called to listen? It’s all moving you forward, dear-heart; all the heartbreaking, joyous, enlivening, confusing, sweet, tender moments of life. THIS life. The only life you have to live!

Might as well dig in, dig out, dig deeper, or my personal favorite, just DIG IT!

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What Dinosaurs and Love Have to Do With One Another

I lie on the cool ground and cover myself in a blanket of leaves, soil and moss. My childhood friend and I lie still, holding our breaths at first, but eventually relaxing into the arms of the earth. Minutes later, the ferocious dinosaur that’s been hunting us for miles passes us by. Just before I wake up from the dream, I watch him lumber off through the forest and dissolve into the horizon, and I feel a deep sense of peace.

What does this dream have to do with anything? you might be thinking. Well as silly as a dream about a dinosaur sounds, this tiny scene is actually full of wisdom, which I hope you might gain something from.

Here’s my interpretation…

In the dream, the earth, a manifestation and symbol of the feminine (love) energy, is a safe haven, salve and protector against the dinosaur, which represents antiquated, primordial fear. This fear is what our ancestors once felt, and what we, on a cosmic level, were initially born from. This is simply part of what makes us human. We all feel primal fear at times during our lives.

What are these fears? Although they vary, many of us experience the fear of truly entering life and “risking it all” to fulfill our purpose, while also equally fearing failure, death, separation, loss, vulnerability and intimacy.

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Fear is so powerful that it can alter our understanding of who we truly are. That’s why we need an antidote, and the antidote is love. Love is not conditional and it knows no boundaries. It can be felt as an openness and a receptivity to life, regardless of mood or circumstance. This life-giving feminine energy lives inside all of us, and is most fully embodied in mother earth, as we would not exist without the generosity of our planet to sustain us. Therefore, it is not a coincidence that in the dream, my friend and I find refuge in the earth (love), and that this is what causes the dinosaur (fear) to dissolve into the horizon, leaving us unscathed.

If I haven’t lost you yet, here’s what I see as the takeaway: you are love. Beneath all negative emotions, patterns of behavior, and external circumstances, you can access this powerful truth by breathing and opening you heart over and over again. It will take practice, and believe me, I am someone who needs lots of practice, but I do believe we are truly all capable of defeating fear by embracing love.

What’s that? You’re afraid of love? So what, as my boyfriend would say. Love anyways. Love through the fear; love past the fear. Love yourself, love your partner, love your friends, love your family, love your enemies, and love life! Keep in mind that love is not bothered by imperfections, so it isn’t about being flawless or void of darkness. Rather, when you realize there is a greater purpose love serves, to help you grow into your whole, most joyful, empowered and free self, you can embrace the places where you’re broken with compassion.

Love is who you are, even, and especially when, the dinosaur of your deepest fears comes gnashing his teeth, threatening to swallow you whole. When this happens — and if you’re human, it will happen often — return to openness, and let the feminine element of your soul remind you how to be vulnerable.

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I’m Still Alive

Seattle was wet like it usually is. Despite the rain, we were smiling. It was Valentine’s Day after all, and we were together.

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We’d wandered into a cozy bar and took turns feeding the jukebox. Sipping on drinks, we sang along to Van Morrison and Al Green, nodding and humming. The jukebox shuffled – a pause – and then my song, Pearl Jam’s “Alive” clicked on.

Eddie Vedder belted out his infamous line “Oh, I, Oh I’m Still Alive,” and the man at the bar began swaying side to side. He looked as if he was made of stiff limbs rather than muscles that bend and flex. We watched him with sideways glances from our tiny red vinyl booth. A guttural yell escaped from his mouth and filled the tiny tavern, pushing against the walls. It occurred to me that he was trying to sing along. The word “Alive” was momentarily audible but the syllables were drawn out and muffled as if he had a cotton ball under his tongue. 

The bartender kindly told him it was time to leave. His behavior was beginning to interfere with the other patrons. One too many drinks; and perhaps, one too many heartbreaks.

Although it was a painful sight to watch – a grown man in his late 50’s three sheets to the wind, mumbling and stumbling, unaware of the impact he was making on those around him – there was something about it that stuck with me weeks later.

It’s the brokenness that was so clear, and the humanity I saw beneath this man’s moment of rawness. Although his actions were jarring, they were also somehow comforting. As two friends guided him to the sidewalk to take a cab ride home, I saw a man who was lost. And I also saw a man fighting something – or maybe for something. For what, I don’t know, and I’ll never know. But I imagine it to be love. The love we all crave so deeply. Not just from others, but from ourselves. And with that comes acceptance – knowing that you are okay just the way you are.

I recently turned 28, and birthdays have a way of making me take stock of things. I’ve had a lot of gains, and also a lot of losses in my time here thus far. And in the depth of my grief, I’ve even felt as if I’m at risk of losing myself. But tonight, as I feel the sharp edges of wounded places in me, I remember this man and Eddie Vedder and the words, and even though I feel swallowed whole by emotion sometimes – I’m still alive. You could even say they’re proof of it.

Inch by inch, I get a little closer to something that resembles love; maybe even acceptance.

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